Living a Better Life: Three Lessons

I've decided that I need to improve myself.

I've been, as has been pointed out, a lazy bum for the past few, let's call them, months ... years ... my whole life ... whatever.

It's gotten to the point where I often worry that I am a sentient lichen.

Why am I?

The upshot to that, though, is that I would live, like, super long.

Anywhee, I am going to share with you some lessons that can (maybe) help make your life more livable. At the same time, I'll be writing and, thus, improving my self-worth. Two birds with one post.

Boom.

                                                                                                                                                                      
Lesson 1:

Never mess with the people who serve your food.

This man essentially has diplomatic immunity... And a baller hat.

I realize that maxim has been repeated countless times in countless ways, but I feel that it really needs to be drilled into everyone’s head.  I see people being complete jerks to their waitors and/or waitresses on a daily basis and wonder, “Does no one realize how easy it is to spit in your food?”*

Cause it's easy.
                                                                                                                                                                      
Lesson 2:

If you are ever tempted to say any of the following phrases:

“I listened to them before they were popular.”

“I don’t really like ‘blockbusters.’”

“Their old stuff was better.”

Or

“Dogs are better than cats.”

Don’t.

Just don’t. (Actually, you can say that last one because it is a well-documented fact.)

Pictured: Just one of the many things better than cats.

There is only one reason that people say one of the first three phrases: to feel self-important.**
Also, you're a hipster.

This guy was cool before it was cool.

I can say from experience that I have never heard someone say any of those phrases and reacted with anything other than a wince and an eye roll. You’d be better served saying, “Hey, I have an opinion, that, I know, while being completely subjective, thoughtless, and utterly meaningless, should be shared with you for your obvious benefit.”

At least then you’re being honest about your intention.

                                                                                                                                                                      

Lesson 3:

This last one is short, but necessary.

If you are ever working anywhere, never, and I cannot stress this enough, NEVER, tell your coworkers that your girlfriend’s vagina smells like “Dumpster.”***

It makes you seem like an ignorant misogynist. (which you are)

Also, for safe measure, don’t follow that gem up with, “It’s okay, though, I just put it in her butt.”

Sweet Christ, no.

                                                                                                                                                                      
 There you have it, readers, three things you probably shouldn’t do, if you want to be more, you know, awesome.

Shameless plug, if you want to be amazed as I actually update something, follow me on Twitter. @HeyitsSOB

                                                                                                                                                                      

*While writing this sentence, I spit in six bowls of oatmeal and three servings of mashed potatoes. That’s how easy.

**I'd like to formally apologize to my friend who actually said one of those three phrases. I know you were being genuine. I love you and I'm sorry, you're not self important. Except when you are.

***This lesson was taken from a situation that I actually found myself in. It left me feeling extremely dirty and with myriad questions. While my thoughts were rather jumbled as my brain attempted, to no avail, to exit my head with exceeding violence, the one huge question on my (and everyone's) mind was, "Couldn't you, you know, date someone who's vagina doesn't smell like a Dumpster?" Though, I assume his bringing ... that ... up apropos of nothing answered the question well enough at the time.